Let’s be clear, I don’t need a man to walk me home. Surely, I can hold my own. However, unless you’re a female, you don’t truly understand the feeling of walking in the darkness and constantly peering over your shoulder. It’s not always the safest position to be in, even if you’re a 5’3 Irish gal who mentally convinces herself she’s a 6’7 beast at the sight of any danger.
The selections are limited, but each of the following is an NHL player I’d genuinely trust to walk me home at night for their own individual purposes.
The Ultimate Protection: Brent Burns
The Carolina defenseman is a perfect first example of the blueprint for the type of man I will stroll home with at night. Let’s start with the obvious, Burns is 6’5, 230 pounds, with missing teeth and a biker-gang beard. At first glance, not the type of guy anyone wants to mess with.
But, he’s a giant teddy bear. The 35-year-old would do no harm to me, and his 44 penalty minutes last year, which doesn’t even crack into the NHL’s top 100, shows the tough exterior doesn’t match what’s truly on the inside. He will have to be cautious of his long strides though, he’s got a few inches on me and my little legs won’t be able to keep up.
The Late-Night Therapy Session: Cale Makar
Makar is one of the few players at the age of 25 and under that I will trust off the ice. The Colorado defenseman has often been labelled pure-hearted, especially when he opted to drink a Slurpee out of the Stanley Cup last year. Before his pro days, the Conn Smythe and Calder Trophy winner played at UMass, graduating as a sports management major.
Cale Makar and his brother, Taylor, get their Slurpee! And it wasn’t an impulse buy. 🙂 #StanleyCup @Avalanche @NHL @HockeyHallFame pic.twitter.com/M4PJahRyab
— Philip Pritchard (@keeperofthecup) August 12, 2022
During his NHL debut in April 2019, Makar respectfully e-mailed his professor for an extension on a book report, which he’d later hand in. The class? Psychology of Self-Understanding. Makar has the skill, the brains, and a comforting voice. We’re all guilty of spilling drinks and feelings on a night out. I feel like Cale could give me some life-changing, desperately needed advice.
Like how do I cope with a loss?
I'm on a three week skid in NFL fantasy and need serious help, here!
The Jokester: T.J. Oshie
I’m saving my walk home with Oshie when I don’t want the night to end. The Washington winger is the definition of high-energy. I mean, have you seen his pre-game ritual? Getting hit in the back of the knees with a stick pumps the guy up, which probably means he’d be willing to step in front of any danger with no problem. The 36-year-old would be a humorous way to cap off the night and he’d probably convince me to hit up one more bar.
Tom Wilson and TJ Oshie pre-game 😆#CapsJackets #ALLCAPS pic.twitter.com/l4WRn9e09b
— HockeyKot (@hockeykot) February 6, 2018
The Silent Game: Connor McDavid
Firstly, it would be an honor to walk next to McJesus. The 26-year-old had record-breaking season last year, including being the first to record at least 130 points since 1996 and becoming the sixth in history to reach 150 points. After a slow start, he’s back on the grind to cap off 2023.
#Oilers Connor McDavid has 12 points in last 3 games. Only player with more points in a 3-game span since 2004-05 lockout is Daniel Alfredsson in 2007-08 (13 points). #LetsGoOilers pic.twitter.com/m2yzOboNAb
— Sportsnet Stats (@SNstats) November 29, 2023
But this walk would be filled with dead silence. I’m talking about Connor walking with his hands in his pockets the whole way and possibly slipping a “little chilly tonight” comment into the quiet air. So, if I’m needing to decompress after a wild night out then Connor, currently a favorite to win the Hart Trophy, is my walking buddy.
The “Are You Walking Me Home Or Am I Walking You Home?”: Alex DeBrincat
DeBrincat’s intention would be wholesome. However, I feel like if worse comes to worst and we bump into the wrong crowd on the street, I would have to do the brunt of the swinging. Don’t worry Red Wings fans, I promise I’ll get our pal back to his bed safe and sound.
The Might Not End Well: Montreal Canadiens
This entire roster, before they all end up on IR again, gets the green light to walk me home. But it has little to do with my safety. As a Habs fan, I’d like to have this group walk me home so I can bring them into a dark alley, corner them and confront them on the past three seasons.
They took me on an ultimate high unexpectedly battling to the Stanley Cup finals in 2021, only to plummet to last place the following season. And now? Still lingering at the bottom of the league. If the turn for the worst didn’t give me enough whiplash, trying to profit off them does. The Habs’ inconsistency is a betting nightmare, currently 14-11 ATS, 11-11-3 SU and 12-12 O/U. Point is, none of us are getting home until I have my answers.
