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Christmas Gifts For All 32 NHL Teams

Michel Anderson Updated on: Dec 24, 2024 12:24 PM ET

Christmas is here, and it's time to dash to the store to buy gifts for everyone you love. My love is NHL hockey (don't tell my wife and kids), so I got a gift for all 32 teams in the league. Some might not have great monetary value, but as the adage goes, it's the thought that counts. 

Here are my gifts for all 32 NHL teams.

Anaheim Ducks: The Remote From “Click”

Getting the remote from Adam Sandler’s film Click, the Ducks could fast-forward the development of their young guns like Leo Carlsson, Cutter Gauthier, and Mason McTavish to a point where those players are as dominant as the Ducks think they can be instead of being the error-prone youngsters they are today.

Boston Bruins: A Four-Leaf Clover

The Bruins give the four-leaf clover to David Pastrnak who’s shooting at a carer-low 8.6% on a league-high 140 shots. If Pasta was shooting at his career 13.9%, he’d have 20 goals now, further up the standings, and maybe saving Jim Montgomery would still have his job.

Buffalo Sabres: A Ticket To The Playoffs

Missing the playoffs is an annual tradition for the Sabres and it’s going to happen again this year as they sit near rock bottom of the league. So I’m giving them a ticket to the playoffs so they can see what it takes to get there. Maybe it helps…or not, Buffalo might just be cursed forever.

Calgary Flames: First Overall Pick

Calgary has been in the NHL since 1972 and has never earned a first-overall pick. With all the talent that left Calgary last year, they’re gearing up to be bad enough to win the first-overall pick. However, they’ve put up too many points early in the year, they need help to hit rock bottom. You’re welcome, Calgary.

Carolina Hurricanes: Glen Sather Mask

For all of Rod Brind’Amour’s qualities winning in the playoffs isn’t one of them so I’m gifting him a Glenn Sather mask. The Edmonton Oilers Hall of Fame coach holds the best playoff win percentage at 0.706 so hopefully by wearing this mask, Rod can forget his rough playoff record and get past the Conference Finals for once.

Chicago Blackhawks: An Exoskeleton For Bedard

After over a year of doing all the heavy lifting for the Blackhawks, Bedard needs some support so I got him an exoskeleton to help ease the load and save him from needlessly injuring himself while GM Kyle Davidson finds him some wingers.

Colorado Avalanche: A Hospital Wing For Ball Arena

With all the injuries afflicting the Avalanche, I felt a new hospital wing attached directly to Ball Arena to house them all and help them recover would be the perfect gift.

Columbus Blue Jackets: Drafting A Good Goalie

Columbus's future looks good, with Zack Werenski scoring a point per game and some other youngsters growing well. If they could draft a good goalie, they’d be set to take a big step forward in 2025-26.

Dallas Stars: NHL Power Play For Dummies

The Stars have a great offense with the 10th-highest goals per game at 3.15, but struggle massively on the power play with a 15.9% efficiency, the seventh-worst rate in the league.

Detroit Red Wings: A New Plan

Five years into the Yzerplan the Detroit Red Wings are sitting near the bottom of the Eastern Conference, clearly it’s not working so it’s time for a new plan in Detroit. Can I interest the Wings in a Niklas Linsystem or a Henrik Zetterplan instead?

Edmonton Oilers: Behind The Mask by Randy Druzin

With a 0.895 save percentage and 2.85 goals against average Stuart Skinner needs to learn how to make a save so I’ve given him a book that interviews 12 of the best goalies to ever play the game, maybe he’ll learn something from it.

Florida Panthers: A Long Break

Going to back-to-back Finals, and winning last year, the Panthers have played an insane 200+ games in two seasons. Sure they got the summer “off” but by winning the Cup, that summer was full of partying so this break would be a real break.

Los Angeles Kings: Drew Doughty

The Kings are good, but could be much better if they had their 15-goal 50-point Norris Trophy-winning defenseman in the lineup. He will return at some point this year, but this gift has him in the lineup earlier.

Montreal Canadiens: 2014-15 Carey Price

It’s easy to forget that Carey Price’s $10.5 million contract is still on the Habs books for this year and next, so what if he could be perfectly healthy and in Hart Trophy-winning form again?

Nashville Predators: Undo

They want a do-over on the summer of Barry because it brought nothing but calamity sitting at the bottom of the league and looking at a lottery pick instead of a Stanley Cup push.

New Jersey Devils: 2021-22 Jacob Markstrom

The Devils have Markstrom but not that Markstrom who put up nine shutouts with a 0.922 SV% and 2.22GAA for the Flames in 21-22. With that version of Jacob, the Devils wouldn’t just be a good team they’d be a great team.

New York Islanders: A New GM

Lou Lamoriello did a lot to change the Islanders franchise from a dysfunctional lot who entrusted their former backup goalie to run the show for 12 years to one that made the conference finals in back-to-back years. However, with years of middling results since those deep playoff runs the 82-year-old's tenure is all but over on Long Island.

New York Rangers: A New GM

That’s not a typo, I'm giving both New York teams the same gift. The Rangers are a hot mess and it all seems to stem from Chris Drury’s decision, specifically when it comes to moving players. Blake Coleman and Jacob Trouba were heartlessly traded while former second-overall pick Kaapo Kakko was moved in a punitive trade to the Seattle Kraken. A new leader might change everything in mid-town Manhattan.

Ottawa Senators: New Chicklets For Brady

All Brady Tkachuk wants for Christmas is two front teeth (and maybe a few more), taking a high stick against the Flames left the Sens captain with well I’ll let him describe it.

Philadelphia Flyers: Anti-Michigan Rule

This one’s for Torts who doesn’t think “The Michigan” belongs in the game. He thought he lost the battle but with this rule, we’ve given him something to be happy about.

Pittsburgh Penguins: Any Type Of Plan

The Penguins are relying on 38-year-old Evgeni Malkin as well as 37-year-old Sidney Crosby and Kris Letang for success, at some point very soon all of those aging players will hit a wall and the Pens will be up a certain creek without a paddle.

San Jose Sharks: Another Winning Lottery

It seems the Sharks got a great player from their number-one selection last year in Celebrini adding a second top-two pick would be great for their rebuild.

Seattle Kraken: That Kaako Pans Out

The Kraken got Kappo Kaako, a second overall pick from 2019, for practically nothing, if he can channel his disdain for how the Rangers treated him in his new home the Kraken might have a gem on their hands.

St. Louis Blues: A 2018-19 Calendar

The last time St Louis was this low in the standings was 2019 when they went on to win the Stanley Cup, so a calendar from that year might put them back on the right tracks. Maybe.

Tampa Bay Lightning: Fountain of Youth

The Lightning are still an excellent team, but once their veteran core of stars like Kucherov, Hedman, and Vasilevskiy, who are all in their 30s now, start fading the window slams shut getting a little potion to bring that age back down and open that window for a few more years would be welcomed!

Toronto Maple Leafs: Costco Sized Pack Of 30-Grit Sandpaper

The Leafs have a ton of skill and finesse to their game, but they have no grit. So here’s a Costo-size pack of 30-grit sandpaper to give Craig Berube exactly what he needs to support his skilled players.

Utah Hockey Club: John Marino

Utah made a big splash in the offseason by acquiring a new defensive pair in Sergachev and Marino, but Marino has yet to suit up for his new club so getting him healthy again and back on the ice should lift that blueline and yield even more positive results for this first-year club.

Vancouver Canucks: Therapy Session for Miller and Pettersson

There’s an issue between stars JT Miller and Elias Pettersson, what the issue is we don’t know, but it's there, here’s some free therapy to squash the beef and get this team that had 109 points last year back on track.

Vegas Golden Knights: Fishing Tackle

Vegas has a recent Stanley Cup, an outstanding 23-8-3 record, Jack Eichel playing at a 109-point pace, and nearly $2 million in cap space thanks to Robin Lehner’s $5 million cap hit waived from the books for no reason. What do you gift the person who has everything? A lame boring gift, cause that’s what they deserve.

Washington Capitals: The Goal Record

Everything the Caps do is in service of Alex Ovechkin breaking Gretzky’s goal-scoring record, a record he should break this season, assuming he eventually returns from injury. Once he does it, they can shift their focus onto other matters like what to do now that they’re good again.

Winnipeg Jets: A Metronome

The Jets' offense needs to learn consistency, if you break down their season into game 12-game samples they’ve scored 4.92 goals, 2.83, and then 3.18, that’s all over the map! With some consistency, the Jets go from a good team to a great one.

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