Listen, even if Santa were real, he wouldn't care about baseball. A frozen old hermit locked away in the North Pole? No way. Maybe curling. Or, like, luge. I don't know.
But that won't stop MLB fans from wishing their hearts out anyway. With the Holiday spirit in mind, here is what fans of all 30 MLB teams should be wishing for this Christmas.
AL East
Baltimore Orioles: Jackson Holliday on The Opening Day Roster
There are already like three Jackson Hollidays on Baltimore's roster. What's one more?
Boston Red Sox: One More Chris Sale Freak Out
Chris Sale vs. clubhouse tunnel pic.twitter.com/Q5tKBuxKkn
— Baseball Fight Club (@mlbfights) July 7, 2022
If the Red Sox won't contend next year, fans can get some joy out of the latest Sale meltdown. Maybe he pushes over the ball boy or something. I don't know.
New York Yankees: A Juan Soto Extension
What's the point of trading for one of the best hitters in history without extending him beyond 2024? Talk about a tease.
Toronto Blue Jays: Journalistic accountability
Blue Jays fans are wary of trusting journalists with sensitive reports after the Shohei Ohtani flight debacle.
Wait, what's that? Jon Morosi is reporting Cody Bellinger smoked a dozen joints, put an acoustic guitar on his back, and is currently longboarding barefoot across the country to sign with Toronto. We are so back.
Tampa Bay Rays: Rays fans don't exist. And if they did, Santa wouldn't listen
Keep scrolling.
AL West
Houston Astros: "Mattress Mack" to shut the hell up
Enough. We don't care how much money you bet on the Astros. And how do you even become a millionaire from mattresses? People don't even need them. I sleep on a cot in my cousin's storage locker and I'm thriving.
Los Angeles Angels: The Sweet Release Of Death
Ohtani is gone, but at least you have Mike Trout. Don't let the darkness win.
Oakland A's: Owner John Fisher's Home Address
I just want to talk to him.
Seattle Mariners: More Ichiro Suzuki Content
50-year-old Ichiro Suzuki pitched a complete-game shutout on 116 pitches against a high school girls team today. He had nine strikeouts, topping out at 86 MPH
— Talkin’ Baseball (@TalkinBaseball_) November 21, 2023
He went 2-for-5 at the plate with a double pic.twitter.com/p1Mu1PiOWN
When Ichiro throws a complete game shutout against a high-school baseball team, he's a hero. But when I do it, I'm "drunk" and "breaching my parole agreement."
Not fair.
Texas Rangers: Improvements in Modern Medicine
Max Scherzer and Jacob deGrom's joints and tendons are disintegrating before our very eyes. Why aren't sports doctors stopping this?
AL Central
Cleveland Guardians: For Stephen Vogt To Save The day
It's hard to replace an icon like Terry Francona, but Vogt makes for a great transition. The fan-favorite former backup catcher will manage the Guardians next season with an underdog mentality that mirrors The Land's scrappiness as a city.
Chicago White Sox: A gas Leak At The Stadium
It's a mess in Chicago right now. The clubhouse is toxic, and even a new general manager can't salvage the situation by trading the club's best players.
Time to start over. Anyways, can I bum a cigarette?
Minnesota Twins: A Full Season of Royce Lewis
After watching their top prospect tear his knee ligaments in back-to-back seasons, Twins fans watched Lewis thrive in 58 games a year ago. Now they're praying for a combined 162 games between Lewis and Byron Buxton.
Kansas City Royals: An explanation?
Why are the Royals spending? Who authorized this? As a resident of Kansas City, what is keeping me going? These are the questions Royals fans should be asking.
Detroit Tigers: A Hug
The Tigers haven't made the playoffs in nine seasons, and there's nothing even remotely suggesting that the drought will end soon. Shhh, there, there.
NL East
Atlanta Braves: Fewer Trades
GM Alex Anthopoulos is trading the whole roster, and it's making things hard to follow.
Wait, what? I've just been traded, too. Please, AA, my daughter just started a new school here. This can't be happening.
Miami Marlins: Who cares?
Once the Marlins removed the gigantic fish sculpture from left-center field, the baseball world tuned the club out.
New York Mets: An Invite To Owner Steve Cohen's Dinner Parties
Cohen reportedly had star Japanese free agent Yoshinobu Yamamoto over for dinner to pitch him on the Mets, so can I come, too?
Yes, I'll drink all the punch, and yes, I'll be bringing a plus-one (Reggie). No, he doesn't live in a tent by the pier anymore.
Philadelphia Phillies: Nick Castellanos To Go Full Scooby Doo in 2024
"Well first off he's a dog ... and he can talk."
— Noah Chast KTVZ (@NoahChastTV) July 10, 2023
I asked Nick Castellanos his reasoning behind Scooby Doo being his favorite superhero, which led to this insightful answer. https://t.co/MCtm6XmO98 pic.twitter.com/leRDlZkUKM
No, I will not be explaining this.
Washington Nationals: To Remain In D.C.
The Capitals and Wizards are reportedly moving to Virginia in 2028. Washingtonians, we can't let our beloved Nats suffer a similar fate. Round up all your friends who dropped out of high school and let's meet at Capitol Hill for a protest.
NL West
Arizona Diamondbacks: More Miracle Magic In 2024
Whatever the D-Backs did last year, they ought to do that again. The same socks every day. The same huevos rancheros for breakfast. Everything must remain the exact same so Arizona can make the World Series again in 2024.
Colorado Rockies: Air, please!
We need more oxygen at Coors Field. The air is so thin that Kris Bryant chokes every time he comes to the plate. Help!
Los Angeles Dodgers: To Defer Their Alimony Like Ohtani's Contract
I swear I'm good for it. I'll pay you later. And dammit, how many times do I have to say I'm sorry? The waitress at Ruby Tuesday's meant nothing to me. Hello? Debra? I miss you.
San Diego Padres: More Of Fernando Tatis' Ringworm Medication
Without Soto in the middle of the lineup, the Padres will need more of Tatis' special cream (is it cream?) to turn every hitter into Mark McGwire.
San Francisco Giants: A Big Year From Jung Hoo Lee
San Fran balled out and spent $132 million on the Korean star. If his KBO production doesn't translate to MLB, the G-Men are pooched.
NL Central
Chicago Cubs: A Marquee Free Agent
The Cubbies have a new manager and plenty of optimism. Give em' a Matt Chapman or two, and we'll never hear the end of it...until Chicago finishes with 84 wins.
Cincinnati Reds: Mr. Red To Go To Rehab
Please, it can't go on like this. You're hurting people.
Milwaukee Brewers: Strong Liquor to survive the winter
Buckle up Brewers fans, this will be a long winter, as the club looks to shed payroll and trade its stars. Take a swig and wait it out.
Pittsburgh Pirates: One Measly Winning Season
Pirates fans have a decent core of players. Another pitcher or two, and we're looking at a potential fringe contender.
St. Louis Cardinals: The Fountain of Youth
The Cardinals rotation is loaded with past-their-prime innings-eaters. Only a wee soak in the fountain of youth can salvage St. Louis' chances next season.
If we can't get the fountain of youth, then at least ask Santa for some WD-40 for Paul Goldschmidt's knees.
